The pandemic has helped shine a spotlight on just how tough it can be to navigate long-distance relationships. I know all about the quirky and intimate dance involved in coordinating love at a distance — I had already done so for five years, across 600 miles and two time zones before covid paralyzed the globe.
I’m no longer loving my partner from afar; contrary to popular myths about long-distance relationships being destined for failure, we’re now married and living under the same roof. But Valentine’s Day reminds me of some of the toughest days of our long-distance romance. I’d feel a low-grade ache in my chest whenever February rolled around because visiting with each other during that time of year almost never worked for our professional schedules.
The sadness I experienced around this holiday was startling because I had never really cared much for Valentine’s Day. I’d always dismissed it as something cooked up by shrewd and creative minds in the greeting card and jewelry industries. And as an academic in a demanding field, I had plenty of distractions. Still, my partner’s absence on Valentine’s Day gnawed at me. I didn’t know what to do about it — other than wait for the day to be over.
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After consulting some experts, I’ve gained some insight into what I was feeling and how I could have handled it differently.
The first thing I learned was that what I was doing on those dark February days was mourning. “Romantic holidays can be hard because there’s grief. You see all this advertising and you don’t get to partake. You’re almost more aware of your partner’s absence,” said Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the author of the book “I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age.” “The pressure is coming from what we’re told it means to have a valentine or an anniversary,” she said.
Part of that pressure emerges from strong societal messages. “It’s difficult to escape the cultural influence of romantic holidays unless you work completely from home and don’t consume media,” said Paul Krauss, a Michigan-based licensed therapist and clinical director of Health for Life Counseling in Grand Rapids. Even if someone doesn’t consider themselves or their partner interested in celebrating Valentine’s Day, Krauss said, advertising and media can nevertheless play a profound role in how they feel about their relationship. “If we’re in a long-distance relationship, we may be triggered to think about and contemplate that arrangement,” he said, and not always pleasantly. “Valentine’s Day can bring up wounds in people.”
Social media — the ever-present elephant in the room — may also create complicated feelings for those who can’t see their loved one but who get to watch others celebrate in real time. “For the single person, or the person in the long-distance relationship, you have all of these subliminal cues that might lead to comparisons and broken and failed expectations,” Krauss said.
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In thinking back, I’m forced to consider whether my own social media use during the holiday affected how I felt about my relationship on Valentine’s Day. I witnessed any number of friends enjoying romantic dinners and dates on my social media feed, and I saw plenty of students engaged in public displays of affection on campus. It’s no wonder I missed my partner as much as I did.
Sometimes longing turns into doubt or worry. “Valentine’s Day in a long-distance relationship can sometimes bring up conflict that wouldn’t otherwise exist,” Earnshaw said. It’s not just the media that can influence how a person feels about their partner; well-meaning family and friends might offer unhelpful input, such as saying, “If your partner really were into this relationship, they would be with you” on Valentine’s Day.
Share this articleShareNow that my husband and I are past the Valentine’s-Day-apart scenario, I’ve been thinking about how we could have better supported our relationship during those years when we couldn’t be together.
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There are plenty of suggestions for nurturing long-distance love in general — such as checking in with each other’s feelings, surprising each other with gifts and even sexting to connect with each other. But there are relatively few discussions that nod to the complicated emotions for couples who can’t see each other on what is — in theory — one of the most romantic days of the year, or on other meaningful occasions, such as birthdays and anniversaries.
Logan Levkoff, a consultant and expert on sexuality and relationships, said long-distance lovers should try to do something that contributes to their partner’s day. “For me, the most romantic thing anyone could ever do was make a mixed tape.” We laughed over this pre-Internet example of how people used to connect romantically. “But even now, [creating] playlists takes time; you have to think about the order of the music. It’s like an art. Your partner can play it on their way to work; it creates a warm and fuzzy feeling for the day. And of course, there’s Zoom and FaceTime, too,” she said. Making an effort to be involved in your partner’s day, even if you can’t be with them, she said, is key to getting through it emotionally intact.
Krauss emphasizes that couples who are apart — and even those who are not — should create a shared meaning about the day and how to approach it. “It’s important that the couple talks in depth about what romantic holidays mean to them, ahead of time,” he said. “Whether it be sending roses or cards or even making fun of [the holiday] together. But it needs to be defined. Otherwise, it’s a recipe for a misunderstanding.”
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To figure that out, you may have to ask your partner, said Lori Gottlieb, a psychotherapist and the author of “Maybe You Should Talk To Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed.” “Some people feel that it takes the romance out of it, but it’s romantic to say, ‘What can I do to make you feel good on this day?’ ”
I pride myself on being relatively low-key around holiday expectations, so my partner and I winged it much of the time. Because we didn’t want to put too much pressure on each other to “perform,” we weren’t very intentional about what would have made us happy. Looking back, I see that we may have missed opportunities to meaningfully connect on more difficult days — or weeks or months.
Friends and family who are helping loved ones navigate long-distance relationships could learn from expert advice. Earnshaw recommends giving what she calls “support responses” during those conversations when a loved one’s long-distance relationship is the topic. “Ask open-ended questions or offer a validating phrase. Show curiosity by asking about [the partner’s] background, or show excitement by saying something like, ‘I know it’s a 12-hour drive but I’m so happy that you’re getting to see them.’ ”
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Such support responses contrast sharply with what Earnshaw describes as “shift responses,” when the person not in the long-distance relationship shifts the topic back onto themselves in an attempt to relate. I’m reminded of the acquaintance who lamented about the 45-minute drive to see her partner every weekend at a time when I hadn’t seen mine in three months.
All of the experts I’ve spoken with agree that when navigating Valentine’s Day and other romantic occasions with a partner who is far away, clear communication is paramount to success. “In a lot of ways, people living in proximity take this for granted,” Levkoff said.
As someone back in proximity with my partner, I’ve learned from what we should have done when we were apart instead of muddling through until the day was over. But these suggestions are also useful for people who aren’t in a long-distance romance — establishing expectations and communicating is important in any relationship. This year, my spouse and I started the conversation a few weeks before Valentine’s Day, and although the stakes seem much lower, I’m glad we did. Neither of us (as usual) had concrete ideas about how we thought the day should play out, so when I saw a local advertisement for “puppy yoga,” I jumped on the tickets. Yoga with puppies was not something we could have done together in years past (first because of the distance and then because of the pandemic), and this is one romantic holiday that I’m genuinely excited for.
Christina Wyman is a writer and teacher in Lansing, Mich., and author of the forthcoming middle-grade novel “Jawbreaker.” She’s on Twitter @CBWymanWriter.
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